Shameless Does Tech Support
I'm publishing this transcript of my first and only day as a Tech Support person for Byte Hole Computers. I think it's obvious that someone was trying to pull something on me the whole time. I believe that when I present my case to a jury, I'll be acquitted.
I don't think I did anything at all to justify getting fired on the spot. Though I gave some bad advice, I didn't think that anyone was dumb enough to actually follow it. You judge for yourself whether I should be held liable for anything here.
Shameless: Hello, Byte Hole Assistance Desk, how can I help?
Caller 1: I can't see anything on my screen.
Shameless: OK, Lets start at the top of this list they gave me.
Is your computer currently running?
Caller 1: Yes. it's running so fast that I can't catch up to it to see
the screen. *CLICK*
Shameless: Well, they told me that we get prank calls occasionally.
Shameless: Hello, Byte Hole Assistance Desk, how can I help?
Caller 2: I broke off a part of my computer, and I was wondering
how I would go about getting it fixed. It's still under warranty.
Shameless: Well, that depends on what part of the computer it is.
If it's inside the case, I'll get you a RMA number and you can
ship it to our main repair facility in Timbuktoo. If it's a peripheral, you
can send it to our contract repair facility in Jabip. If it's the
"cup holder" again, Mr. (checks Caller ID) Harvey Jackson of
Birmingham, I'll track you down and kill you myself.
Caller 2: *CLICK*
Shameless: Hmmmm... 2 calls so far, and they were both pranks. It looks like someone is trying to initiate the newbie. We'll see about that!
Shameless: Hello, Byte Hole Assistance Desk. Do you need help?
Caller 3: Excuse me?
Shameless: Sorry lady, meant to say: How can I help you?
Caller 3: Ok. No harm done.
Shameless: Thanks, now what can I do for you?
Caller 3: Well, I got one of your new machines. I got it working just
fine. Then, the screen went blank. Then...
Shameless: *sigh* Great, now you're going to tell me that you can't
check your video cable because it's too dark behind the computer.
Caller 3: No. I already checked the cable, and it loooks fine. If you
want me to, I'll check it again.
Shameless: Next you'll tell me that it's too dark behind your computer
because the power is out.
Caller 3: No! Please Listen! This isn't a prank! I really think I just
need a new video card!
Shameless: Now you expect me to tell you to box up your entire system
and take it back to where you bought it.
Caller 3 : No! I bought it online! from your website! PLEASE listen!
Shameless: Because you are too stupid to own a computer.
Caller 3 : No! I have a Computer Science degree! I'm not trying to put
one over on you! I really need help here...
Shameless: I'm sorry ma'am, I wasn't born yesterday. I'm hanging up
now *CLICK*
Shameless: Jeez! If they want to pull pranks, at least they could be original!
Shameless: Hello, Byte Hole Assistance Desk. What's your problem?
Caller 4: Ummm... Wha?
Shameless: You heard me. Now get on with it.
Caller 4: Ummm... Well... OK. My new computer seems to be running
OK, but it smells like something is burning. Is that normal?
Shameless: *giggles* That depends. What did you have for dinner, sir.
Caller 4: What does that have to do with my computer?
Shameless: What did you have for dinner, sir!?
Caller 4: A bowl of chili. Jeez. What are you getting at?
Shameless: Ah. I see the problem. It's not your computer. It's natural
for some people to smell something burning after eating chili.
Caller 4: (angrily) If you're trying to suggest that the smell
is coming from me, I can assure you it isn't. I resent the implication.
Besides, it smells like burning plastic.
Shameless: Well! Why didn't you say so in the first place! Do you
hear the fan running?
Caller 4: I hear something running, how do I know if it's the fan?
Shameless: In the back of your computer is a little grille that's meant
to keep your components from escaping during a system crash.
Caller 4: Really? That doesn't sound right.
Shameless: Trust me. What I want you to do is to remove the 4 screws
that hold the grille on.
Caller 4: Now?
Shameless: Yes. Now.
Caller 4: Shouldn't I turn it off first?
Shameless No, that will ruin the experiment. Just take it off.
Caller 4: Ok. Done. Now what.
Shameless Now, put your hand inside, and feel around for any hot
components.
Caller 4: Ok. Hold on a second...
Caller 4: OW! JEEZ! !#&#* I'm bleeding!
Shameless: Good news sir! It sounds like your fan is working just fine.
In the future, remember that a computer always smells a little funny for it's
first few hours of operation.
Caller 4: Why you little ...
Shameless: and thank you for calling the Byte Hole Assistance Desk.
*CLICK*
Shameless: Wow that was fun! I wonder if that was a real call. Seems unlikely that a prank would be that gullible. Oh well.
Shameless: Hello, Byte Hole Assistance Desk. What!?
Caller 5: What?
Shameless: What!?
Caller 5: Errr... Can you help me?
Shameless: No. You need the psychiatric hotline. Thanks for bothering
me.
Caller 5: No, Wait, I have a computer problem.
Shameless: Ok. I'll give it a try. What do you need?
Caller 5: I bought one of your "Magic1600" monitors. It has this
message that keeps bouncing around saying that the monitor is OK, but I
should check the video cable and the video card.
Shameless: (this should be fun) And, did you?
Caller 5: Well, no. I don't have it connected to the computer yet, but
I was wondering how the monitor could know whether the cable and video card
were bad.
Shameless: That's why we call it the "Magic" monitor series. If I say
anything else I would be giving away trade secrets, and I could get fired for
it.
Caller 5: Oh. I wouldn't want to cost you your job. So that's how
it knows whether the cable and card are bad?
Shameless: (do you believe this idiot?) No. The cable and card
have their own protective magic. That should shield them from the monitor.
I think the monitor is lying to you.
Caller 5: So, what do you think the problem is?
Shameless: Well, I'm not supposed to tell you this... but sometimes
this monitor series gets a little bit of BAD magic by mistake.
Caller 5: Really?
Shameless: Yes, and the only way to exorcise it is to sharpen the end
of a long metal rod to a point, Then...
That was about when security arrived at my desk and threw me to the ground. How was I supposed to know that these people weren't pranksters, just friggin' idiots! I suppose all of the litigation should keep me busy for a while. Of course, I'm acting as my own lawyer. I'm expecting the counter-suits to keep me comfortable for years.
I think it's obvious that they fired me without cause. You judge for yourself.
-- Shameless