Re: Dudes! I have a really cool reality show idea!
Dear Mr. Geek (if that is in fact your real name),
We would like to take this time to thank you for your suggestion and script idea for a new reality show. Although we are not normally in the habit of explaining our reasoning behind rejections, we could not resist the opportunity to respond to some of your suggestions. Rest assured that we found your submission very entertaining, but for reasons of sanity and human decency, we cannot be involved with your "Geek Survivor: Internet" concept.
First of all, the Survivor series is supposed to involve isolating a group of people in a hostile environment. Your concept involves locking a bunch of geeks in a basement with toolboxes and duct tape. We can think of absolutely no reason anyone would watch 18 Napolean Dynamite clones taping each other's underwear to the wall and hitting each other in the head with monkey wrenches.
The TV viewing public prefers to watch attractive people, not smart people. We doubt that you can find an attractive geek on the planet. Before you reply to that, remember that Sandra Bullock was not actually a geek. She was just paid a lot of money to act like one in "The Net". Ditto for the CSI ladies. Most geeks spend a lot of time in the dark, eliminating any and all color in their complexion. They also tend to engage in all night hacking sessions that leave them with sunken, red eyes. Pasty, undead-looking faces with glowing, red eyes are meant for haunted houses, not for television.
We do not share your optimistic view that a group of geeks will be able to build an internet capable computer from a pile of sand and a spool of wire. We suspect that the best they can manage is a pair of wire-rimmed glasses with half-inch thick lenses, and only because they have a dozen examples at hand.
The challenge you call "Wheel of Hacks" contains activities like ID theft and computer compromise that we found childish and dangerous. We're also somewhat astounded that you considered overthrowing a foreign government to be a suitable challenge for a reality show. Has anyone yet informed you that all of this type of behavior is highly illegal?
The challenges "Bowling for Lawyers" and "Marketing Department Turkey Shoot" sounded somewhat interesting. Although we were intrigued, we believe that intentionally causing injuries is a serious legal liability, even if the victims are only lawyers and salesmen. We ran this past our legal department with interesting results. Nearly everyone there was so spooked by the fact that you already had their names and addresses that they decided they no longer wished to purse a career in entertainment law... they would rather pursue ambulances. For that, we must thank you.
Your concept of a challenge for the best design of a nuclear warhead was very disturbing. You seem to have a complete lack of understanding that testing a dozen or so nuclear weapons would cause climate changes, mass extinctions, and possibly the end of the human race. We were so disturbed, in fact, that we found it necessary to forward your idea to the proper authorities. Curiously, their only response was: Which email address did he use this time?
In short, there is no way that anyone could have the contests that you suggest without legal fees in excess of the national debt. We hope that you seek professional help in the near future, and we request that you remain at least 1 mile from all of our facilities and personnel.
Sincerely,
Shameless TV Executive