The Most Ridiculous Item of the Day
Dear Mr. O'Reilly
I've disagreed with you before, but I've never been irked enough to respond. Mostly because I didn't care enough. But now you've really done it. You've insulted the people I hold most dear, and I think you should pay the price... humiliation.
I'm a relatively frequent viewer of your program, I usually tune in a few times per week. I may watch while I'm surfing the net, and your head may be obscured by the laptop screen... and I may have the volume down to a whisper, but at least I am tuned in. You can inform your sponsors of this. I was watching your show tonight over the top of my laptop screen when I heard you start a segment about your trip to see Star Wars: Episode III. Being the sort who can't wait to see any Star Wars movie, I put my laptop down and started to pay attention.
You started out well. Your opinion of the movie was pretty typical of every opinion I have heard so far. Basically, you said that the effects were great, the action was great, and the plot was OK. I haven't seen it yet, but it sounds typical of a Star Wars flick. You then said that the acting was pretty bad, but who cares? Again... A good assessment of every Star Wars flick so far. Going to one of these movies for the acting is about as useful as going to a political convention for the common sense. That's why George Lucas (genuflect reverently) has relied on computer generated characters so much lately. Real actors are so hard to direct, and they complain too much if you try to make them explode.
Everything was fine until you referred to the fans as "stoned slackers". Up until that point, you were scoring about 3 1/2 yawns out of 5. After that... you got a big HUH?!?! Grrr. You made me so mad I wanted to take a few whacks at you with my light sabre.
The people who frequent Star Wars movies have been called a lot of things. You can call them Nerds or Dorks if you want to offend them or entice them to hack your website, but the correct term is Geeks. "Stoned Slackers" are the kind of people who are either on the corner with a tin cup. or are studying for that position. Geeks, though they often smell like the vagrant on the corner, are not slackers at all.
Maybe the fact that they aren't working has you fooled. Let me assure you that most of the Geeks in that movie line are gainfully employed. The most common story you will hear out in the queue is about geeks who have 11 weeks of vacation saved up, and have decided to spend some of it waiting in line with their friends. You won't hear about any geeks who had to lie to their boss about being sick so that they can go to the movie. You are more likely to hear that they are there with their boss, or even on a company outing. Occasionally, you will hear rumors about one or two who have managed to replace themselves at work with a holographic projection or a doppelganger grown in a vat, but shady activities like that are not the norm.
Next you talked about the movie being frequented by stoners who would go back to see it ten times. I think your guest had the right idea. Stoners can't scrape up enough money to see a movie ten times. Even if they did, stoners only go to a movie a second time if they forget that they saw it the first time. As far as I can tell, stoned slackers don't like Scf-Fi movies. The flashing lights and whizzbang effects seem to compete with the ones in their head.
The main thrust of the segment seemed to be about whether there was an anti-administration message buried in the movie. One thing I can assure you of is this: Not a single Geek will notice. Geeks never go to movies for the political message. They go to movies so that they know how to dress when they go to the next Star Wars convention. After all, nobody wants to be caught dead in last year's wookie suit.
I was going to start on one of my usual tirades here. I intended to fill it with threats of all kinds of torture and death from all kinds of high tech weaponry, but then I considered that you might just be a clueless TV personality and not the evil, Geek-hating ogre that you seemed to be. In the spirit of "Fair and Balanced", I think you should know the difference between a Geek and a Stoned Slacker, so I've given you this little comparison to help. Study it well, Mr. O'Reilly. Geeks carry energy weapons, they know how to use them, and they are quick to anger!
Attributes of a Stoned Slacker
- Stoned Slackers smell funny. In their younger years, this is because of the stoned part, in their older years, it is because of the slacker part. Sometimes, it's because years of drug abuse have convinced them that carrying an open can of tuna in your pocket is a good idea.
- Stoned slackers are poorly dressed. This comes from the lack of funding caused by their attitude. It's also because Chez Dumpster doesn't usually carry the latest styles.
- Stoned slackers are a parents worst nightmare. If your daughter were to bring one home, you would pray for him to come down with a sudden case of amnesia and completely forget where you live. If your daughter were to marry one, you would eventually pray that you would get a case of sudden amnesia and forget where you live.
- Stoned Slackers are often high school footbal players... for about 2 weeks. That's about how long it takes to throw someone off the team for slacking. They tend to be more interested in the plants growing under the grandstand anyway.
- Stoned Slackers are totally committed to avoiding all work. These are the types of people who can't focus on a single thing for long enough to make a living at it. This makes them best suited for jobs like firewatching and keeping sidewalks from blowing away in the wind.
Attributes of a Geek
- Geeks sometimes smell funny. The normal reason for this is that they have been in their basement for 36 hours straight playing the latest video game and have forgotten about showering.
- Geeks are poorly dressed. The reason: they don't care about fashion. A good way to tell a geek from a slacker is to insult his clothing. If he gets upset, but still tries to beg money from you, he's a slacker. If he looks at you as if you were speaking Klingon, or if he tries to answer you in Klingon, he's a Geek.
- Geeks start out as a parents worst nightmare. If your daughter were to bring one home, you would hope he forgets where you live. Not a chance. If a girl pays attention to him, he's a friend for life. If your daughter were to marry a Geek, you would eventually come down with enough of a case of amnesia to forget that you didn't want him around.
- Geeks aren't allowed to play football. However, some have been known to supplement their income by developing algorithms that correctly predict football scores. Eventually, they aren't allowed around football pools either.
- Geeks are totally comitted to whatever they do. Their ability to focus on an objective is their strength, and makes them excellent candidates for tecnical work. Unfortunately, that focus causes them to forget things like bathing and eating on occasion. Software geeks call this "code fever", but other geeks experience similar conditions.
Well Mr. O'Reilly, I hope that you learned something today. Stoned Slackers are undesirables that you should avoid at all costs. Geeks are really lovable people who just happen to like things that are out of the mainstream. Remember what I said about those energy weapons too. It could save your life someday.
-- Shameless