Shameless and the Alien Abduction
Of course, it happened on a Sunday night. I'm a little like Arthur Dent that way. He couldn't get the hang of Thursdays... I absolutely loathe Sunday night. There's something about knowing that I have to go back to serving my 9 to 5 sentence when I wake up that annoys me. I could write an entire tirade about the horrors of Sunday night... but thats one for another day.
They came for me on a Sunday night. I don't think they were the brightest dots in the sky. I get the impression that they have been learning their surveilance techniques from the Middle Eastern bureau of the CIA. I figured that one out because their first attempt to take me was through the bathroom window, which happened to be the only window in the house that was too small for me to fit through.
The second attempt was via the front door. By that time I was completely awake, having just removed my 38 inch waist from a 32 inch window. Ouch. They didn't seem to be concerned about my seeing them. I guess they thought they could just erase my memory. They thought wrong.
They didn't look very different from you and me. Well... that is... if you look as geeky as I do. At first I thought they were government agents who had come to arrest me for some of my subversive software. But after some consideration, I realized that government agents wouldn't have given up on the bathroom window. I was glad they weren't government people. Then I thought it was some russian gangsters who thought I was going to make them movie stars. How was I supposed to know they were serious?
It was about then that I heard them speaking English in an all-too-familiar accent. An accent from the Northwest US. Then I saw the flag, and I realized that there was only one organization anywhere that thought they could get away with a banner that had a stylized picture of a banner on it. There was only one organization so big that they would make TWO attempts at kidnapping someone as insignificant as me. I was being abducted by... dare I say it... The Beast Of Redmond. (scary music sting).
They took me to a big blue Office and sat me at a Desktop. On the desktop were, as expected, detailed directions on how to get to the desktop. As useful as ever. Looking down at the desk drawers, I saw that they said "for system use only". I tried a few. They were locked. On a hunch, I slid the warning signs out of their holders, flipped them around to hide the warning text, then slid them back in. That got the drawers open. Figures.
Once I got into their drawers, I realized why they were so impotent. (ahem) I've never seen a more insane way of organizing things. There were folders within folders within folders. There were folders that were glued shut with sealing wax, then plastered with "Do Not Open" warnings. There was even a folder marked "Desktop" that contained a picture of the top of the desk I was looking at. More useless stuff.
It didn't take long to figure out how to get free. You may have already guessed it yourself. I broke out of the Office by breaking a few Windows, then I just walked out one of the numerous back doors and through the Gates. It was actually pretty easy. All of the doors were clearly marked "For Exit Only", though it looked like there were a lot of shady looking characters walking in.
The next thing I remember was sitting on a wet spot in my bed. Their forgetfulness drug must have taken affect by then. That drug probably has a side-effect of bed-wetting. Thats the ticket! It was the Redmond drug that did it! I think it's called TCO or something like that. Whew! Lucky it was just a nightmare, not an operating system or something like that!
-- Shameless