CBS = Can't Be Serious
Ok. Now they've done it. I'm mad as hell, and I can't take it any more. Of all the stupid things that Dan Rather and Co. have done lately, this one just might spur me into action. I'm betting that they just lost a huge segment of their Geek audience today. Well, maybe not... Not if you consider that an addiction to CSI: Whatever can be a difficult habit to kick. But maybe I should start at the beginning.
I was sitting in front of the TV watching one of the only non-news, non-educational TV shows that a Geek will ever admit to, CSI: NY. The episode was pretty standard fare for a CSI series. There was lots of blood, a dismembered leg, and more of the usual gross stuff that makes most people say "EWWW", but makes Geeks say "OOOO". I watched them solve the first case... only partial satisfaction there. They cheated by not implicating any of the likely suspects.
The second case was on it's final buildup. You knew who the suspect was, and things were well on their way to a satisfying climax. The resident science geek was just about to run you through the crime when BOOM Can't Be Serious News cuts in with a special report... at 10:55... Five minutes before the news was scheduled to begin ANYWAY!
Now, I understand that the death of a minor world leader and an old terrorist is big news. but it could have waited 5 minutes! Was there any profit in showing me that news 5 minutes earlier? ...and it gets worse...
We learn about the death that we have been expecting for a few weeks now. They spend EXACTLY five minutes on the story, then they return us to regularly scheduled programming just in time to hear "All that next week on CSI NY". Then commercials. EXCUSE ME! Couldn't you pre-empt the commercials to show me the end of the mystery that I invested 55 minutes in? Couldn't you have pre-empted the commercial in the first place? Where is your sense of priorities? And who will give me back that hour wasted on an unsatisfied mystery? ... and it gets worse...
I actually watched the news that followed on, and I must say that I'm tempted to boycott every single sponsor that advertised on it! It turned out that they spent less time talking about the news event during the news than they did during the the cop drama! Will Could Be Stupid News kindly explain to my why an event is important enough to break into the end of a good TV show for, but isn't important enough to talk about on a newscast?
I was willing to overlook the forged National Guard documents as someone being overly ambitious. I was even willing to overlook Dan's obvious election night mockery of the other political party through his "Ratherisms". (What the hell did "dab some gravy on these biscuits" mean anyway?) But this is going WAAAAAY too far. We Geeks have to stand up for our rights! They can't take away our only reason for logging off and expect to live through it! I mean, the CSI shows feature Geeks who are Girls! Do they know how rare a female geek is? But I digress... heavily, and in front of lady CSI pictures.
So here is my proposal: form a Geek army. Don't laugh... hear me out. We can form a force so outstanding that we can overwhelm the Communist Boys Society. Just think about it. Some of those Half-Life Geeks can do wonders with a crowbar, so lets give them all one. Maybe they can have a pistol too. Next we sneek a bunch of Call Of Duty Geeks with sniper rifles (their choice which one) into the building across the street to pick off the executives on the top floors. Then get a few RTS wizards (oh... say Empire Earth players that are experts in the Modern era's) to form a tower perimeter around the block, jamming all escape routes. Finish it off with an enormous swarm of zerglings and you have sweet revenge! Of course, you would have to have some Zero Hour Generals lob in a Fuel Air Bomb to burn out the zerglings, but it would be worth the trouble.
Unfortunately, all of my attempts to form such a a geek army have met with painful defeat. Most people walk away mumbling about laws, justice, strategic arms treaties, sanitariums, and things like that. It tends to keep recruitment low. But you have to admit, it would make one hell of a game scenario. Oh well, I guess I'll sit back and take it like everyone else does. Anyway, CSI re-runs start in about 5 minutes, so I'll have to wrap this up quickly.
One last thing: Here's one that they didn't count on. I just happen to be filling in the last page of my Neilsen diary today. Thats right, BOZOS, I am currently in direct control of votes that determine your ad prices for the next few weeks. I wonder if Neilsen takes diaries with mult-page addendums? (Appendix A: why CBS sucks, Appendix B: why CBS REALLY sucks, etc.)
I'll keep everyone posted on the army progress. I think I'll call it Nerds Bombing Civilians or America's Belching Champions or something like that. Until Next time...
-- Shameless