Shameless Words from Shameless Geeks

It’s that time again! Time to answer those search strings that bring you to the site. As always, these are search strings taken straight from the the website logs. Honestly… I couldn’t make some of these up if I tried.

geeky screen names

Try one of the standards: Nerd Herder, Dorkasaurus, or Gigageek. If not, look in any comic book, pick a character name, then append the word “geek” to the end. That should be attractive to the opposite sex. Avoid names that came from Hollywood. Neo, Trinity, and ZeroCool are a sure sign that you are a clueless geek. Here’s a final thought… just use that search string as a name. You’ve already proven that you deserve it.

class 3 felony patent inventor

Not sure who holds the patent on class 3 felonies. However, talk to any politician and he’ll invent you one.

cool

In a word, YES. I can see how that search string brought you here.

how do i unblur my sims 2 pc so they will be naked

Rub the blurry spots vigorously with a soft, dry cloth. This has the effect of exciting the sims so that they are willing to get naked.

hello and thank you for calling tech support sound byte

You are most welcome. Now please delete yourself.

it support idiot too dumb to own a computer

Unfortunately, this problem is all too frequent. If you encounter it, remain calm, hang up the phone, and hit yourself in the head with the manual you should have been reading.

nothing happe-

I’m sorry, but I think your browser cras-

computer is shamelesswhy (No, that’s not my typo)

Your computer is shameless because I have taken complete control of it and removed it’s shame library. Don’t be too surprised if it asks you for money to buy an iPad. Be advised that it will only use the poor apple product as a sex toy.

how do psp not catch on fire

PSP not catch fire because using halon instead of electron. More informations at www.engrish.com.

131313

Yes, that’s my IQ. Thanks for bringing it up.

alien abduction bedwetting and alien abduction stories wet bed

It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Hell, I’d be pissed if I were abducted by an alien. Fortunately, there is a solution. Studies have shown that alien abductions and their associated bedwetting incidents are directly proportional to your proximity to a trailer park. Keep yourself as far as possible from houses on wheels and both symptoms should subside.

burned out engineer

Replace with a new engineer. Be careful not to exceed the manufacturers specification for engineer wattage or you will void your warranty.

how hard phantom lapboard

At times, your lapboard will be extremely hard. At other times, not so much. Just remember that your lapboard has a special purpose that you will learn when you get married.

how to activate cool

Log off of the Internet.

computer smelled funny and went blank

This is a common occurrence when you bathe your computer. Computers are very phobic, and will often shut down for good when they come in contact with water. In the future, clean your computer by dusting it with a lint-free cloth.

enable high settings demo empire

Legally, The only thing I can tell you is that enabling high settings can only be done with a doctor’s prescription.

i’m poor is psp worth it

No, and I’m sorry to hear about you’re status. Did that happen because you tried to keep up with Apple’s new products?

politically incoherent

This is the disease that causes politicians. It is most prevalent in Lawyers, Generals, Actors, and other individuals who suffer from similar forms of insanity.

repulsive meal sims 2 pets mobile

I’m sorry to hear about your culinary nightmare. In the future, it would be best to remember that the Sims 2 pets are not to be eaten. They make a repulsive meal.

shameless what happens

…when you cross a whore with a computer? Never mind. This is a family show.

caller support you are too stupid

Unfortunately, some places consider stupidity to be job requirement. On the other hand, is it really smart of you to call them for help?

crazy home makeable smoking devices

There are quite a few crazy ways to make your home a smoking device. One is to cook your frozen pizza before taking it out of the box. Another solution is microwaving your silverware. A third is to bathe your computer. However, these are extremely dangerous, and you should not attempt them unless you have undergone extensive training.

empire earth pile of rocks

I believe you are talking about the before and after of global thermonuclear war. I don’t understand the question.

That’s all for now. I still see a few gems in there, but I’ll save them for later. Until then… Keep searching!

I do not know why, but I really want to read Batman 116 from 1958. Lets see there is one of three ways, through finding it in a trade paperback (a collection of several comic books), by buying the issue on the secondary market or if I am really lucky at a store or convention. Oh poo, I am not lucky, the local store in town will not let me and there are no comic book conventions in Austin right now. Double whammy, there is no trade paperback that contains a copy of Batman 116. So on to the last option, to buy a copy from the secondary market. So off to Mile High Comics I go, ah there it is, no too bad it’s out of stock. Off to MyComicShop.com, ah too bad they are out too. Well there always EBay, hey look there it is in Spanish, no I do not want to read Brave and Bold 116, ah there it is two copies. Ah man this urge is going cost me a lot, one is 69.99 with 4 days left and the other copy is over Two hundred dollars. Logging into PayPal, darn it I am broke. Maybe I should not have bought the State Puff Marshmallow Man last week, man was he expensive. Did enjoy eating him and I even crossed streams.
Hold on what’s this you say there is a digital copy available? Hot dog, so how much? Free you say? Bonus, hold on here a moment, isn’t download comics off the Internet illegal. Why yes it is. As Nancy Regan told us say I am just going to have to say NO to your crack, excuse me digital comic book. But darn it, I really want to read Batman 116. So begins the trail down dark path that creates a Pirate.
Wait there is hope, to stop me from turn into one of those evil Pirate. DC Comics could create a way so I can legally buy digital copies of your books; all it takes is a little work. Marvel already lets me, why not you?

It looks like Colbert has pulled off another public relations coup. He managed to get the most votes in a NASA naming contest. Of course, you have to read the fine print here. The top vote-getter won’t necessarily be the name used.

You have to give the guy credit. Whether his name is actually used or not, he managed to prove that a group of rocket scientists isn’t necessarily smart.

Of course… There is always the chance that NASA could turn this back in their favor. Wouldn’t it be nice if they put Colbert’s name on a big plaque over top of the “Colbert Bathroom"?

A soft news item that has been making the rounds lately about a postcard arriving 47 years after it was sent is something that really shouldn’t surprise anyone. IMHO, it proves one of two rumors:

1) Snail Mail deserves it’s name.

or

2) It really still IS 1962 in Montana.

Either way, no surprise here.

BTW… does anyone have any data on how long it would take a snail to travel from Montana to Ohio? I guess It’s a difficult experiment to do. It can’t be easy to find a snail that can live for 47 years.

El Reg has an article about the passing of a legend. Gus, the current reigning champion of canine ugliness, is dead at the age of nine. Gus overcame a lot to reach the pinnacle of his career as a putrid-looking pooch. He was missing an eye, short one leg, had no fur, and was covered in blotches. Actually, I think I may have been set up with his twin sister on a blind date once. Yecch!

A recent study by the University of Wolverhampton has traced the oldest known joke back to 1900AD. It seems that the ancients liked off-color jokes as much as the rest of us.

The article mentions who originally commissioned the study, but I have my own thoughts on the matter. I think it was Jay Leno looking for new material.

You are bound to lose weight if you restrict yourself to eating from a tiny noodle bowl developed by Japanese scientists. At 1/25,000 on an inch, it’s the ultimate in portion control. Word is that the Ramen noodle in the bowl is inedible. That’s OK… my sources say that ramen is bad for you anyway. I guess that’s why I eat so much of it.

Here’s a reason why you don’t want to go poking around in any electrical boxes that you don’t understand. A would-be copper thief got an unwelcome surprise when he attempted to hacksaw his way through an 11,000 volt electrical cable. Apparently, he was hoping to sell the copper for a bundle of cash, but instead got a lesson in the meaning of the term “high-voltage".

If they ever find his charred remains, I would like to nominate him for a Darwin Award.

OK, I’ve wandered around a parking lot trying to remember where I parked, but I’ve never walked off and left my car at a gas pump like this poor German guy. This certainly isn’t the guy you want babysitting your kids.

Y’all thought that I had a bad memory! Well now… All I have to say to that is… What were we talking about?

I just ran across this story about modern ghouls. And you thought that a funeral director with necrophilia was bad.

A group of Salvadoran gangsters shoved cell phones into their rectums far enough to “reach their intestines". I guess they weren’t worried about crappy reception. Well, at least they didn’t set the phone’s ringers to vibrate and ask their fellow inmates to call them… or did they?

Spanish police have arrested 4 Frenchmen for jumping in front of moving vehicles so that they could publish their reactions on the web. What were they doing, writing a paper for Roadkill University? These guys would make really good test subjects for the anti-stupid pill. I’d try nominating them for Darwin Awards, but those are only posthumous.

Well here’s something you don’t see every day. Researchers are testing an anti-stupid pill on mice and fruit flies. We all know of someone who could use a massive dose of these things. If they were ever actually released, they would have to be kept away from middle management.

BTW… if you were looking for something that would do the reverse and actually cause stupidity, there is no need for research. It’s called Tequila.

Here’s a story about a a girl in the UK who got fired via IM. One has to wonder if this would be official notice in the US. In either case, it was rude.

I have to admit that I once quit a job via IM. It wasn’t one of my best moments, but at least I had the decency to go in the next morning and officially tell my boss that I quit. If anyone else was thinking of quitting via IM, I would advise against it. You just end up creating bad feelings. It’s something that I never intend to repeat.

It’s pretty obvious that a manager who fires someone via IM is going to look bad too. There is a certain honesty to the face-to-face approach that is necessary at such a traumatic event.

This ElReg story about Master Card’s re-branding efforts shows that we are not descended from apes, but from the useless third of the population of Golgafrincham. All hail Fintlewoodlewix! I dare you to read through the article without either giggling or snoring.

I stumbled across this story about a bear cub eating pizza and drinking beer while sitting in a vintage convertible. I suspect that men and women have different reactions to the same story. Men will generally react with “sounds like a pretty good Sunday afternoon to me". I suspect that women will wonder why he/she wasn’t visiting his/her mother. The picture is conclusive proof that men are nothing more than bears with furniture (and convertibles).

I’ll bet you’ve never seen a case like this before: an electrician in India lost a large chunk of his skull a few months after his head was badly burned in an accident. Literally, he’s become a numbskull.

If the same thing happened to me, I could become the worlds first human planter. Maybe a nice fern….

Sometimes, you just gotta laugh at people. A woman has been charged with beating a dog breeder with the corpse of a chihuahua. According to the story, the breeder sold the puppy before it was old enough, the puppy died, and the woman went back to get another one. Violence ensued.

Well, I’m glad someone has found a use for one of the rat-like yapping machines. I never could.

And just when you thought that a silver ingot with Garfield on it would be the only cat story of the day, Along comes COJones with this story about a cat that chases bears.

I wish he would give my cats a lesson or two. They’re both bigger than him, but neither has ever chased anything scarier than a moth.

Yup. Another wonderful patent. This time someone has patented the cordless jump rope. That’s right… you hold the handles (or… handle. only one has been created so far) while jumping over a pretend rope.

The worst thing here is that this guy really seems to think he has an idea worth a patent, and he’s found people who agree with him. Perfect for the clumsy? NOT. The truly clumsy don’t need a rope to trip them. Just mention that someone would spend actual money for one of these and they’ll fall down laughing… clumsy or not.

In an announcement sure to be controversial, an Oregon public commission has declared that legislators shouldn’t work drunk. I’m guessing that the group was run by Capt. Obvious and the Cliches.

Many people may argue that everything done by legislators is the result of alcohol. I personally believe that they are all indulging in something much stronger.

It almost sounds like something from a really old sitcom. The BBC accidentally “interviewed” the wrong man on camera last week. The Congolese man was there for a job interview, when he was suddenly put on a seat on stage and “interviewed” about about the recent Apple Computer vs. Apple Corps decision.

You really have to give the guy credit for getting through the whole thing. I wonder if he got the job?

Tiger Woods had to apologize for using the word “spaz” to describe his putting game at the U.S. Masters last Sunday. Maybe he would have been better off avoiding the word “spaz” and used the word “retard” or something similar.

C’Mon folks! everyone says things that others can take offense to. If the guy had said something derogatory about those with spastic paralysis, then you can get upset. If he had said “stupid as a spaz” or “useless as a spaz", then you drag him to the mat and slam him. Other than that, you’re just looking for something to whine about.

It looks like someone has resurrected smell-o-vision again. NTT Communications Corp has begun synchronizing smell generator machines to movie scenes. The concept has been tried numerous time, dating all of the way back to the 1950’s. The idea of having smells associated with scenes isn’t bad, but the logistics concerning synchronization pose a serious problem.

One difference this time is that they seem to be using only perfume-like fragrances to set a “mood". Trying to get the smells to match the scene, like the smell of burning rubber and oil during a car chase, presents the problem of clearing one smell out before the next scene starts. Imagine a love scene that is supposed to have the smell of perfume, but still has leftover scent from the previous fishing boat scene. Then again, that kind of thing might appeal to some people

According to astronomers, The recently discovered ring around Uranus is blue. I would have guessed that the ring was brown, and that it was created by Klingons, but that’s just me being obvious.

I especially liked the part about astronomers missing this ring because all of the other rings are red, and that they have big particles in them.

I guess the jokes are all a matter of how you answer the question: Just exactly where has Uranus been?

Is anyone else laughing at these astronomical puns? I just love it when scientists make jokes that they don’t quite understand.

Researchers have “trained” a strain of virus to form “nanowires” for miniature battery electrodes. It’s kinda cool to see the little buggers doing something that can be used to build a computer instead of just destroying it. No word yet on whether these viruses can be spread by IE

That’s not a typo… Researchers have found evidence of dentistry in Pakistan around 7000BC. Ouch.

Luckily, modern dentistry has electric drills and anesthetics to dull the pain. I’ll bet that one thing hasn’t changed… I’ll bet that they’ll find the same 5 issues of Field and Stream that my dentists has in his waiting room.

In case you haven’t seen this one, a 30-year-old Indian man accidentally divorced his wife by declaring so 3 times in his sleep. I can’t wait to see the divorce lawyers of the world start rioting.

Hey… I think I found a good industry to outsource to India!

Ok. I’ve seen this story stating that half of all returns are due to complexity at least 5 times in the last 2 days. I’m not going to disagree with it at all. I’m going to explain it.

Because Geeks are the people with the best mental focus in the world, they end up designing nearly all of the high-tech gadgets. Add in the fact that most Geeks are somewhat socially isolated, you end up with Geeks designing things for the only people they understand… other Geeks.

The aforementioned study gives another hint about the basis of the problem. Joe average will typically spend 20 minutes trying to get something to work before giving up and taking it back. Geeks never give up.

I can’t remember a single instance of a Geek giving up on any kind of gadget and returning it. That would be something that he or she would not consider unless forced to at gunpoint. Even then, he/she would pick it back up if the threat of death were removed. The only thing close to giving up you will ever see from a geek is “putting it on the back burner” until he or she is no longer busy. The fact that it is given a priority a little lower than learning to limbo or having both eyebrows removed is another story altogether.

So… In a nutshell… High-tech gadgets are designed by people with nearly infinite attention spans for others just like themselves. These gadgets are then sold to people with attention spans geared more toward the length of a sitcom. Do I need to go any further?

The ‘Super Colon’ is moving to Columbus. The Super Colon is a 20-foot inflatable model of a colon that The Cancer Research and Prevention Foundation uses to enhance people’s awareness of colon-related diseases.

They had to know that it would be the butt of endless jokes! Honestly, nothing good can come from this thing.

Sorry. Couldn’t resist.

Just when you thought there was no more irony left in the world, along comes the case of a noted psychiatrist who got taken to the cleaners in a Nigerian Internet scam. The crime itself isn’t as remarkable as who it happened to. The guy who claimed he could prove that Ronald Reagan suffered from diminished mental capacity fell for a scam that proves diminished mental capacity.

Like the headline said… It takes one to know one.

A former Sheboygan Wisconsin city attorney wants to end the yearly bratwurst eating contest and wants to bring the issue to a vote.

Once again, we have an obscure politician attacking one of the most important issues of the day: the horrors of competitive eating. When will the American people realize that it is only a matter of time before one of these competitors eats so much that he explodes? Would you want your children to be among the innocent bystanders who get showered with undigested sausage scraps? Oh the horror of it all!

An apple a day keeps the doctor rich. Well, that’s what a Louisiana man suing Apple for hearing loss caused by an iPod might say. His claim is that listening to an iPod on full volume for more than 28 seconds a day can cause hearing loss. Funny thing is… he isn’t claiming that he actually suffered hearing loss. Looks like another “deep pockets” lawsuit is upon us. There is a really good solution to the whole problem… Turn the damn thing down!.

Whats next, something like this? : Microsoft Corporation was named in a lawsuit today by a West Virginia man claiming that Windows caused irreparable damage to his IQ. Film at 11.

Jeez.

China has experienced an upswing in adult diaper sales due to the upcoming New Year travel season. The diapers allow travelers to make the journey in relative comfort on trains so crowded that the bathrooms are stuffed with passengers.

It gives a whole new meaning to the term “going home". I don’t know if the trip is worth it, but the ride really stinks. Its a crappy way to travel. All of the passengers are in a pi$$y mood. I bet that train really moves! Someone stop me before I pun again.

It looks like the people of Minnesota will once again have a strange list of candidates to chose from. This time, they will have a a self proclaimed vampire running for governor of Minnesota. This vampire has also been a pro wrestler, just like the one they elected in 1998.

It won’t make much of a difference. Nearly all current politicians are leeches anyway. It’s really just a case of trading one blood sucker for another.

You gotta give Candace Dickinson a lot of credit for cleverness and guts. She tried to get out of an HOV violation by claiming her unborn fetus as a passenger. Luckily, the judge was able to get around the whole question of whether a fetus is a person and avoid what is currently the most emotionally charged issue in the country. Can you imagine the whole abortion rights question being decided in traffic court?

The Story of the one-eyed kitten may or may not be a hoax, but the picture is so bizarre I just had to link it in. Go ahead and check it out. I’ll wait here….

Back already? Good. The only thing I can say is that I’m glad that the corpse of the unfortunate little kitten will not be appearing on eBay. I thought of a few other choice remarks, but none were fit to post

… or at least that’s how it seems to those of us on the outside. An anti-spam advocate running for governor thinks it’s OK if he sends just a little. Apparently the guy (who we won’t give a free campaign ad to), believes that his unwanted emailed campaign ads are immune because they are “the truth". If we were lenient enough to allow mass-mailings that the sender said were “the truth", there wouldn’t be any need for anti-spam laws… all unwanted mass mailings would be the truth. Some people just never understand how stupid they sound.

Here’s one to brighten your day:

A child pornographer in Germany turned himself over to authorities because of the Sober worm. It seems that the virus arrived in an email telling him that he was under investigation, so he turned himself in. As far as I know, this is the first time that a virus has managed to perform a community service.

As with all pedophiles and child pornographers, his punishment should involve the force-feeding of Viagra and a meat grinder. Luckily, he was stupid enough to be caught and removed from society.

According to this, Barbie is often the object of mutilation. That begs the question: What is Barbie’s real job?. Is she a teacher? I hope not… I don’t really want anyone to teach little girls how to torture. I guess we’ll never really know that one.

Having raised two girls beyond the age of Barbie has taught me one thing… It doesn’t matter how she starts out, Barbie always ends up naked and headless at the bottom of a box.

In a story that sounds like an old Benny Hill episode from the 70’s, police in New Zealand are chasing a man in traction. Can’t you just picture good old Benny in one of his trademark sped-up chase scenes in a traction halo and arm casts running down the street with a bunch of London’s finest following him? Hilarious!

If the cops can’t catch this guy, just how good are they? Maybe they should all go back for remedial calisthenics and a vision test.

According to an animal behaviorist, dog panting may be a form of dog laughter. Now if they could only explain what it means when a geek starts panting over a photo of a nude girl. Never mind… I figured it out.

Check out this story about a young woman who wanted to kill 4 men for a block of cheese. She thought she was going to steal cocaine, but it turned out to be cheese. She thought she hired a hitman, but it turned out to be an undercover cop. IMHO, they should tack on a charge of criminal stupidity. I smell a mental deficiency defense coming.

A nude man in Florida got his genitals tasered by police when they tried to arrest him for indecent exposure. No word yet about whether his lightning rod will ever get back to normal. Now you know what I meant by Shock Jock.

Well, just a little It looks like the hops found in beer can slow the growth of cancer cells, based on cell cultures and animal studies. (Lucky cells and animals… I wish I could drink beer for a living)

The best news is that the positive health effects are very slight. That means I’ll have to drink an awful lot if I want to prevent cancer.

Sometimes, people do sensible things: The National Toy Hall of Fame has inducted the cardboard box as a significant toy. Anyone who has kids, or ever was a kid, knows how much fun the cardboard box can be. Silly as it sounds, I think this organization has it’s head in the right place… and it’s probably a cardboard fort.

Three youths in Bosnia earned my nomination for the Darwin Awards when they died while tossing around a hand grenade. Though the death of teenagers is a tragedy, it’s pretty obvious that they were from the shallow end of the gene pool. 19 and 20 year-olds from a country with so much war in its recent history should know the difference between a grenade and a ball. One would also think that seeing the lever fly, and hearing the “sshhiinngg” sound would be a clue to RUN!!.

You can buy a house in a ‘trendy’ Denver neighborhood, as long as you don’t mind the conveyances… namely the 48 year old current owner. Deborah Hale is selling her Washington Park house with her still in it.

She claims to be looking for her soul mate. That may be the case, but I really don’t think it’s a good idea to advertise that the house you are selling has 48 year old fixtures. I’m wondering if she would be willing to move out for an extra 100K?

It seems that there was a pleasant smell wafting through New York yesterday. The odor was compared to maple syrup or freshly baked cake. Nobody was able to prove that the odor was hamful, and nobody could could identify the source. About the only thing certain about the incident is that New Yorkers will complain about anything… even something that smells pleasant.

I ran across this Reuters article that says alien abductions may be “false memories”. The fact that there is very little information about the professor who came up with the idea is a little disturbing. It make me wonder if the whole thing came to him in a dream.

I don’t buy any of it. I still have vivid memories of the aliens who came and stole all of my athletic abilities when I was young. You won’t make me believe any other explanation.

Now don’t that beat all! A politician who is honest enough to call himself “a big piece of poop” has been removed from the mayoral ballot in Victoria, BC. I thought that being a giant turd was a requirement for entering politics.

The so-called Cheeseburger Bill easily passed the House yesterday. This is just the next step in the process to make it legal for people to sell and distribute junk food. I can’t wait for the day when I can munch my Whopper or unwrap my Ding Dong in public without fear of arrest.

Ok… Not really… But you have to admit that the truth is just as stupid. The fact that we need to pass a law to protect people who sell food is pretty bad. Go ahead tubby, blame the cheeseburger for your enormous bulk. While you’re at it, blame the video game for your bad behavior and blame the Internet for your lack of friends. Blame everyone but yourself.

This is all an offshoot of the big tobacco lawsuits from a few years ago. You can expect it to continue for as long as the world has lawyers.

There’s quite a flap about UNICEF’s new ad campaign that features a bombed Smurf village. The images are meant to shock people into awareness about ex-child soldiers in Africa. I don’t know much about the cause, but I assume it is a worthy one.

I really have no idea why they decided not to release the ad in the USA. I’m sure that the ad would be TIVO’ed by every parent who had to sit through hours of watching the little blue wimps in order to please a child. I honestly believe that the ad would become the greatest guilty pleasure in the country, and that it would do wonders for awareness in the cause.

Heh… here’s an addition to the Video Games You Will Never See list:
Smurfageddon: Tra la la la la Ba-BOOM! Ooooohh! The smell of little blue bugs roasting! Every parent’s dream!

The coolest place in London is the Absolut Icebar, which is made entirely of imported Scandanavian ice. And when they say entirely, they mean it. Even the drink glasses are carved from imported ice. The whole place is kept at a temperature just below freezing to maintain it’s chilly furnishings.

There are lots of cheap jokes about cold that you could throw at this story, but I won’t. Hell will freeze over first.

In a stunning attempt to free the poor Chinese people from “weird sounding foreign names", the government of the city of Kunming, China is forcing developers to have the names of their developments approved by officials. Can you imagine something like that happening in the US? Can you imagine how many places will end up with signs that read “Welcome to unnamed Shopping Mall, in the heart of Downtown censored“.

Oops… I bet ShamelessGeeks will now be put on the list of undesirable sites by the Chinese government. It was inevitable anyway. We, after all, have one of the weirdest sounding foreign names on the Internet.

According to this AP news article, Nazi saboteurs designed bombs disguised as very personal articles including chocolate bars. If the bombs had actually been deployed, they would have been the first German food items that did more damage on the way in than on the way out. Their big mistake was targeting the Brits with it. If you are accustomed to eating traditional British food, a bomb in a chocolate bar probably wouldn’t even knock your teeth out of line.

Well… my doctor always tried to tell me that chocolate can kill you.

Here’s one that could easily be put in the “I don’t want to know about it” category: A University of Georgia poultry science professor has developed a method of turning dark meat chicken into white meat. The process involves grinding, soaking and spinning the dreaded chicken parts until all the color and flavor are removed. The end result is then a barely identifiable bio-mass suitable for fast food restaurants and school cafeterias everywhere.

Just to put things in perspective: here’s a story about a postcard that took almost 50 years to find it’s destination. This must be the same route my checks take when I pay my bills… Yeah, that’s the ticket… They get there late because of snail mail.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Scientists in Singapore have developed a urine powered battery that is cheap and easy to manufacture. The intended use is in low-cost disease analysis systems that would use the urine being tested as the power source. Now thats what I call using your head!

Maybe I can take advantage of this kind of thing. If I drink enough beer, I can generate enough urine to light a small city! … and it is a much better use of the energy than trying to spin that little spinner in the men’s room urinal.

According to this article posted by CNN, the federal government is looking for a few good hackers to lead the war against cyber crime. I am still holding out hope that the government needs a few more good Python programmers.

I think I have a new hero. A South Korean man died of a heart attack after a 50 hour gaming session. If ya gotta go, I can’t think of a better way.

I didn’t hear which game he was playing, but in South Korea, it’s a good chance that he was playing Starcraft. If so, there may still be hope for him. That game has a habit of bringing dead heroes back to life. If you’ll remember, Fenix came back in the shell of a dragoon and Kerrigan came back as the Queen of Blades.

Sorry. Couldn’t help geeking-out over one of my favorite games.

Update:

It looks like my guess about Starcraft was correct. It’s nice to be right once in a while. I will have to remember this rare and special moment.

Thanks to Nunzalod for the pointer.

Stumbled on this one while surfing the web. Apparently, Brice Mellen is quite a video game wizard despite being blind since birth. It almost seems like the 21st century version of the movie Tommy. Does anyone else hear The Who singing in the background while they read the article? Oh well.. there go all of my excuses for being a bad video game player.

Here’s one for all of the web-addicted geeks out there (like me). If you are looking for something a little different, check out Google Moon, Googles new out-of-this-world map service. It comes complete with all of the Apollo lunar landing sites marked.

Here’s a tip: if you zoom all of the way in, you’ll find out what the moon is really made of.

UPDATE:
If you follow the links on all of the pages, you will eventually end up reading about job opportunities with Google on the moon, how they generate oxygen for their facilities, and other really useful knowledge. I won’t spoil it with details, but I heartily suggest that you browse around the pages. Somebody spent a good deal of time creating some really unique geek humor.

Many thanks to Drog for the heads-up.

… maybe not. According to this Reuters Article, A group of teachers want to ban the word fail from British classrooms and replace it with the phrase deferred success. Of course that is ludicrous. It sounds like a case of deferred intelligence to me.

I have a better idea. Instead of replacing the word fail with something that it doesn’t mean, lets replace replace the word Teacher with the word apologist. That might actually do some good.

Here’s a bank that provides a drive-thru holdup service. No doubt that we’ll be hearing about the teller and the thief on the Darwin Awards someday.

Alternate post title: When Morons Collide.

A man lit himself on fire before proposing to his girlfriend in order to show her how devoted he was. Strange as it may seem, the stunt worked, but briefly angered his girlfriend. In my experience, women displaying inappropriate emotions and men wanting to light themselves on fire are things that don’t happen until after they are married

P.S. Just kidding, dearest.

Japanese eating superstar Takeru Kobayashi has retained the title hot dog eating world champion, and the mustard belt that goes with it. At the annual July 4th hot dog eating contest at Coney Island, New York, he ate 49 hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes. Kobayashi narrowly out-paced American female Sonya Thomas, who managed to down 37 hot dogs to come in second place. I have never met Kobayashi but I lost to Sonya Thomas in the local qualifier for this year’s hot dog eating contest and can verify her eating prowess. She downed 30 hot dogs at the qualifier and was an unstoppable eating monster. Her eating abilities must be enhanced by all the practice she gets testing the cooking at the Burger King she manages in Northern Virginia.

That’s right… Astrologer, not Astronomer… and neither one wants to be mistaken for the other.

An Astrologer in Moscow is suing NASA for ruining “the natural balance of forces in the universe” when they punched a crater in the Tempel 1 comet. She has no chance of winning. She would have known that if she had read her tea leaves properly. Maybe we should all start a class-action suit charging her with the millions of hours of lost work time we spent laughing at her charges. Da noiv o’ sum peepul.

Just for your enjoyment: here’s am AP article about the upcoming Redneck Games. The recent tendency of rednecks to “come out of the closet” and celebrate their country roots has made me consider starting shamelessrednecks.com (which whois tells me is available). I abandoned the idea when I realized that there aren’t enough of them with ‘puters. Heck, I kin insult dem dang people till da cows come home an dey’d never knowit

Anyone who runs a web site called ShamelessGeeks.com will always have respect for people who make fun of their own stereotype. I tip my propeller beanie to you.

According to a study of gamer versus non-gamer college students, gamers are much quicker to detect target objects than non-gamers. Though it’s always good to hear that gaming has health benefits, there are other logical explainations. For instance… it is just as likely that the advantage is in the triple-thick glasses or tinfoil hats that they wear.

Does this mean that I can tell Mrs. Shameless that I wasn’t up until 3:00 AM playing a video game… I was actually working on my ability to detect impending auto accidents? Can gamers submit their LAN party bills as health insurance claims? Somehow, I don’t think so.

In a story that looks like it came from an Adam Sandler script, a Morristown N.J. Zamboni operator was charged with DUI after his blood alcohol level was found to be 0.12 percent. Kinda makes you wonder if they gave him a few field sobriety tests first. I think I would have trouble standing on one foot and touching my nose on an ice rink. I might not be able to stay on my feet if they asked me to walk a straight line either.

A 73 year old Kenyan Grandfather killed a leopard with his bare hands after it attacked him while tending his crops. Ripping the animals tongue out may have been a violent and disgusting way to do it, but you have to admire the cool-headed reaction to impending death. Faced with this situation, I would probably do the same thing that 99.9% of the population would do: become lunch. Hats off to a real survivor.

By the way, despite the brutal way the leopard was killed, PETA has been silent about the matter. I think the term is “biting their tongues". Can’t really blame them… I’d be afraid to open my mouth around this guy too.

Well… maybe not. Check out this AP article if you haven’t heard about Snapple’s not-so-frozen ice pop. So what kind of slogan will they have for the new ice pop treat this PR disaster was supposed to call attention to? I have an idea or two. How about… Melts in the truck, not in your hand? or… Made from the best stuff on the street? or possibly… So good, you could swim in it.

…Well, at least parts of one.

Don’t follow this link if you have a weak stomach. If you are a geek like me who watches reruns of CSI, then this is the perfect story for you.

Here is a Reuters article about a stowaway attempt that ended with parts of a man bouncing off of a suburban New York garage roof.

I guess you could say the guy failed because his methods were all over the place, or that maybe his heart was in the right place, but his head wasn’t. Would this be the first guy to win Darwin Awards in more that one country?

Someone stop me before I pun again.

Josh, of Web blog Cathode Tan, and Matthew Gallant, of Computer Games Magazine, are right now going at it over Matthew’s review of Carnival of Games on Cathode Tan. Josh started this whole fight when he posted a response to Matthew’s bad review of the Carnival of Games. The main issues Josh had with Matthew’s review was: that he judge the Carnival Games to be horrible after reading the first line and not bothering to read the rest of Carnival of Games. Matthew’s poor use of the English language and Matthew’s insistence on calling the Carnival of Games a Blog. When in fact the Carnival of Games is just an article that focus on various gaming blogs.
Instead of ignoring Josh, like a good journalist does. Matthew (person writing the review) posted an almost indecipherable response to Josh’s post over getting free games. Josh (person writing the response to the review) then responded to Matthew’s post, holding him to task over what he said. Matthew then threw off the gloves as other poster started bashing the hell out of him. Right know it is an all free for all geek fight. And boy do I love me some geek fight.

Because the cops were on his tail! Apparently, the police in Ridgecrest CA are giving tickets to chickens who cross the road, ending a tradition that has been in existence for centuries, and eliminating all of the humor from the lives of 4 year old children.

This is a dark, dark day for cornball humor. Life will be very boring if we can no longer wait in anticipation for a chicken to happily cluck it’s way across a major highway. One thing is for sure: The officer who wrote the ticket needs a sense-of-humor implant.

Thankfully, the charges were dismissed on a technicality.

Here’s a geek who’s even worse than I am: a Vienna, Austria politician wants to use DNA analysis to ID dog droppings and use the info to run down the dog’s owners. I think I have found the only geek in the world who watches CSI shows more than I do.